Close Encounters of a Strange Kind
by Reidluver
Summary: Short little oneshots of different shinigami and their first experience with things/events of the modern world. Each chapter features a different shinigami.
1. Chapter 1: Explosive Candies

**Hello! Well, this is my first Bleach fic, but I have been watching the series for a while, and have had this on my mind, yet haven't gotten around to actually putting it into a story yet. ****Anyway, this fic will be all about how the Shinigami deal with things/events from the modern world. My source of inspiration was Rukia and Renji's introduction of coffee and juice boxes. It was just so funny I had to come up with my own, and each chapter I will have a different victim. This chapter is all about Hitsugaya!  
**

**Synopsis: **Set sometime after the Bounto arc, and before Orihime's capture. Ichigo is at Orihime's home with Matsumoto and Hitsugaya. Yachiru came along as well, just visiting this one night because she "missed Ichi." (Don't ask why, I need her for this plotline)

* * *

"So these are . . . _candies?_" the 10th Squad captain asked hesitantly, inspecting the brightly wrapped package as if it would explode.

"Yes! They are very good. I felt like having some this afternoon and bought a bunch. I remember hearing that in Soul Society you don't have many varieties of candy, so I thought you'd like to try some!" Orihime said. "We even have some western kinds too."

Ichigo smirked as he unwrapped a toffee flavored candy. He could tell that Toshirou was as interested in trying the new candies as Matsumoto and Yachiru, who were currently gobbling numerous candies that Orihime suggested excitedly. The two of them were commenting on how each kind tasted. However, the way the 11th squad fukutaichou was wolfing down the candy almost made Ichigo's stomach turn. She _really_ liked her sweets. Yet, being a captain and all, he was restraining himself as much as he could, slowly biting into various sweets and giving some a satisfied nod before continuing to eat them.

Suddenly, Ichigo got a very devilish idea. His only regret was that Renji or Rukia weren't here to share the moment with him.

"Oi! Toshirou—"

"Hitsugaya-taichou!"

"Whatever. Try this, it's my favorite western candy," he said, tossing the shinigami a small pouch. He caught it and regarded it suspiciously.

"What is it?"

"They're called Pop Rocks. They just are tiny little pieces of candy that look like rocks. They're really good," he added, hoping to convince the hesitant boy.

After staring at it for a second more, he shrugged and ripped the top of the pouch off before examining the inside of the bag. When he noticed that they were indeed just like Ichigo described, he poured a good deal in his mouth. Once he closed his mouth he froze in alarm, then jumped up in the air so fast Ichigo almost lost sight of him.

"THIS CANDY IS EXPLODING IN MY MOUTH!" Hitsugaya shrieked, futilely attempting to wipe them all off of his tongue as if they were dangerous. "THEY TURNED INTO BOMBS!"

Ichigo lost it. He laughed so hard that he fell on his back, having to stop to gasp for air every so often. Orihime looked absolutely alarmed, and Matsumoto's eyes bugled and she burst out of her gigai, appearing at her taichou's side to help anyway she could. Yachiru was the only other one who found the situation as hilarious as Ichigo. She threw back her pink hair and laughed, pointing at Hitsugaya.

"Shiro-chan's dancing! Shiro-chan's dancing!"

A few minutes later Hitsugaya had succeeded in removing the explosive candy from his mouth and leaned against the wall, panting slightly. He appeared too confused and alarmed to be embarrassed at his previous behavior. Matsumoto frowned at Ichigo and Yachiru, clearly not finding what was so funny in endangering her taichou's life. She placed her hand on her zanpakuto and glared at Ichigo.

"What's the meaning of this?" Ichigo immediately ceased laughing and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, realizing that Matsumoto was _really_ angry.

"Um . . . it's just what the candy does. They're really called Pop Rocks because they make a popping sound and feeling in your mouth. It's just what they do, they're not explosives," he said.

"Really?" Now Matsumoto was more curious than she was angry. Grabbing a similar package, she tore it open and tossed a few in her mouth. She squealed with joy. "This candy is amazing! They tickle my tongue!" Naturally, Yachiru wanted to try it as well, and soon the two fukutaichou's were giggling in delight as they gobbled the rest of the Pop Rocks.

Hitsugaya had been examining Matsumoto's experience in curiosity, then upon realizing that the candy was_ supposed_ to do that and they weren't bombs, he turned a light shade of pink and sat down awkwardly. In an effort to hide his embarrassment he proceeded to glare at Ichigo, who became nervous under his glare.

"Ju-Just a little joke, Hitsugaya-taichou," Ichigo said. He threw in the proper title just to be on the safe side. Making him any angrier would probably end badly for him, he mused.

Pleased that his title was acknowledged, Hitsugaya excused himself to get some water to rinse out his mouth. While he was gone, Ichigo noticed two items that were untouched and decided to play a trick on Yachiru.

"Yachiru, come here."

"What is it, Ichi?" She beamed and pounced on him.

"You see this? If you put these white candies in your mouth, then drink some of this pop, something special will happen!" The pink-haired shinigami's face lit up in excitement and she let go of Ichigo and held out her hands for the candy and pop in question.

Ichigo placed three Mentos in her hand and then the liter bottle of Diet Coke. She popped the candy in her mouth then poured some Diet Coke in afterward. After a second she immediately opened her mouth to let the highly reactive pop out, and the other three stared in amazement at the impressive sight; a rainbow arched over the stream of sugary liquid.

When it was over Yachiru beamed with pop running down her mouth and out her nose, giggled, then shouted, "Shiro-chan's not white anymore!"

Standing a few feet in front of Yachiru and Ichigo and holding a glass of what used to be water, was Hitsugaya, drenched in coke and completely stunned. Blinking the liquid out of his eyes, he glanced at his shirt, then at Yachiru who was squealing, "Again! Again!" and then at Ichigo who was wrestling the Diet Coke out of her hand. Ichigo froze when he noticed Hitsugaya was glaring at him and gulped, realizing this did not go the way he had planned.

"ICHIGO!"

Matsumoto, Orihime, and Yachiru found themselves de-icing Ichigo for the rest of the night.

* * *

**Well, what did you think? I hope that you thought it was funny. I think this would make a great **Shinigami Golden Picture Book** or whatever they call it. I cracked up when I thought of this and I hope I was able to illustrate it effectively for you to see it too. **

**Each review will help de-ice Ichigo faster!**

**Who should my next victim be? I can't decide!**


	2. Chapter 2: Monster Truck or Man?

**Here's the next chapter! Our victim . . . . Zaraki Kenpachi! It seems like he was the most popular.**

**Oh, and Ichigo sends his regards to: **skymaster23, Crazy Authoresses CATand AMS, Acara Whitefox, SpeckledFeather**, and **Rambler Kaolin **for helping him out with his icy problem.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't really know anything about Monster Truck Rallies. I'm just going off of what I believe to be true and what I've seen in commercials. **

* * *

Ichigo yawned dramatically when he awoke, rubbing the stiff joints that were a direct result of being encased in Toshirou's ice last night. He grimaced; that was _not _a pleasant experience. Orihime had been completely terrified at the sight of him, Matsumoto partially angered at her taichou and slightly concerned, while Yachiru seemed to think it was the most hilarious thing in the entire world.

It had taken them a total of ten minutes to completely release him from his icy prison, and then he had to take a warm bath to restore the circulation in his legs. Thankfully his hair had dried before he went back home, or he would have had to have a _lovely _time dealing with his father bombarding him with questions and probably turning into something perverted that he was doing. The old man was quite infuriating at times.

Anyway, it was finally the weekend and the teen was planning to have some fun with his friends, hopefully before there was any Hollow alert.

"_Iiichigooo!_" The shinigami sighed then stepped to the side and started getting dressed, causing the crazed lion to collide with the wall off to his right. The Mod Soul slid down slowly, landing on the floor with a small squeak. He then swung around and glared at Ichigo, fire in his eyes.

"BASTARD!" he growled before bursting into tears, "How can you be so cruel? All I wanted was to show my affection to the host I care about so much, the one who I am so graciously protecting without a thought to what could happen to me, and all you ever do is shun me away! I wish nee-san were here," he added nostalgically, thinking back to Rukia. Kon paused and noticed Ichigo was almost out the door.

"DID YOU LISTEN TO ANYTHING I SAID?" he screeched, pouncing on Ichigo and furiously began pulling out his hair with his claws.

"Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!" Ichigo cried, reaching behind him and wrenching the stuffed animal away from his scalp, glaring angrily. Just as he was about to throw him to the ground, a girlish giggle captured his attention. The two ceased their fighting and turned to the source of the sound, puzzlement etched in their expressions.

Yachiru was sitting on Ichigo's bed, swinging her legs back and forth on the edge, absolutely delighted. "You are very funny, Ichi!" she chuckled, her childish innocence dissipating any desire for a fight. Ichigo rolled his eyes and "lightly" dropped Kon to the ground.

"What is it, Yachiru?" he asked the fukutaichou, ignoring Kon's complaints in the background.

She grinned. "I came here to spend the whole day with you, and Ken-chan will be here as well!"

The world seemed to stop at her last words, and Ichigo paled, forgetting to breathe for a few seconds.

"W—what?" _Kenpachi will be here. At my house. WHY?_

"Shiro-chan and nee-san returned to Soul Society last night and said they had some paperwork to catch up on so they had to take a break from scouting out this area, and Shiro-chan was very kind to ask Ken-chan if he wanted to cover for them today, and he agreed!" Yachiru explained, oblivious to the terrified look Ichigo was giving her. "He said that he hasn't seen you in a while and is looking forward to seeing you!"

"I'll bet," Ichigo muttered under his breath. He knew the taichou only wanted to have another shot at fighting him. _Damn that Toshirou!_ he thought vehemently. _He's probably sitting at his desk, enjoying this last bit of revenge against me!_ Which of course was exactly what the 10th division taichou was doing; sitting back in his chair that was two sizes too big for him and his mouth curved up into a smug smirk as he sipped his favorite tea.

Ichigo made a mental note to _never_ anger the white-haired kid again. He was about to ask Yachiru when Kenpachi was going to come when he felt the overpowering reiatsu of said shinigami.

"Ken-chan's here!" Yachiru sang as she jumped off the bed and ran towards Ichigo's door. The teen grabbed the back of her robe and dragged her back to his bed quickly.

"Stay here, I'll be right back. Kon, please make sure she stays!" he ordered over his shoulder. _Crap! How did I get into these things? I just hope he doesn't—_ Too late. Ichigo jumped the last few steps on his staircase and stared at the sight before him.

If it were anyone but Kenpachi, he might have been tempted to laugh. The large man was standing outside his front door, his hand raised in the air as if to knock on the door, but said door was on the floor, having been completely torn off its hinges, while his father stood out of harm's way, having evidently jumped at the last second. Both men were staring at the door in shock and surprise.

What was really strange was seeing Kenpachi in anything but his haori and shihakusho; he had opted for black pants and a large, white collared shirt. The taichou still had his hair spiked with the bells at the tips, as well as his eye patch, giving the appearance of a deranged pirate.

"Who are you?" Isshin finally asked of the rather strange guest. Before Kenpachi could open his mouth, Ichigo sprinted forward and turned to his father.

"He's one of my teachers!" he said nervously, chuckling with a fidgety tone in his voice. "I asked for his help—because . . . I—uh, don't understand this chapter, and . . . he's gonna be in my room for a while?"

Ichigo's father stared at him in bewilderment for a few seconds, then burst into dramatic sobs, a content smile plastered on his face while he began to wipe away the tears.

"My dear son has taken it upon himself to do what it takes to get good grades!" he proclaimed, looking away to no one in particular. "He is such a star student, truly worthy—"

As he rambled on and on Kenpachi looked at the man with disgust, his fingers clearly itching to grasp his sword and slice the pathetic human who dared call himself a man. Noticing the look in his eye Ichigo grasped him by the arm and steered him up the stairs.

When they arrived Yachiru squealed with delight and resumed her normal position on his shoulder while Kenpachi gave a quick survey of the room, not noticing the small stuffed animal that was hiding underneath the bed, deadly frightened of the large size of the new arrival.

_Sooo, what am I supposed to do?_ Ichigo wondered fervently, not at all comfortable with the deranged man inside his room, or house for that matter. The shinigami was beginning to stare at him with that hungry look in his eye, and Ichigo knew it was a matter of time before he would draw his zanpakuto and engage him in a fight against his own free will.

"Um . . . how about I go call Chad?" Ichigo said. Kenpachi shrugged then sat on Ichigo's bed, it groaning underneath his weight. Worried that they might start destroying his room, the teen reached into his closet and pulled out an old T.V. he never used _(seeing as how schoolwork and substitute shinigami work ruined any hope of a normal social life)_ and turned it on after plugging it into a wall.

"Just look at that until I come back," he pleaded desperately as he sprinted out the door, leaving two very curious shinigami who stared at the device with rapt interest.

"Chad?"

"Mm."

"Looks like Kenpachi is going to have to stay at my house today. Do you think you could come over before he starts attacking me and destroys my house?"

There was a slight pause. "Sure."

"Thank you so much," Ichigo said gratefully as he hung up the phone. At least with Chad's calming presence Kenpachi _might_ not be as obligated to invoke a death match.

Not wanting to go upstairs just yet, Ichigo took a deep breath and slid down the wall the phone was attached to, drowning in self pity. _Why do all these things happen to me?_

"Onii-san?" Ichigo glanced up and noticed Yuzu staring at him concernedly as she prepared breakfast. "Is something wrong?"

Ichigo gave her a rare warm smile and pushed himself off the floor, pausing to ruffle his younger sister's hair. "Yeah, just a little tired. Chad's gonna come over for a little bit." Yuzu nodded her understanding and resumed her work. Ichigo watched her for a moment, then walked over to the base of the stairs and sat down to wait for Chad.

In no time at all there was a polite knock on the door and Ichigo quickly opened it to reveal his giant yet gentle friend.

"Hurry! He's in my room!" Ichigo frantically rushed up the stairs with Chad a step behind him, wondering what was wrong.

When they entered the room Kenpachi and Yachiru were still intently focused on the T.V. screen, but when the shinigami taichou glanced up at the two boys with a devilish grin, Ichigo knew that whatever he had to say next was _definitely_ not going to be good.

* * *

Half an hour later Ichigo felt like banging his head against a wall. _WHY does this have to happen to me?_

To his horror, he had turned the T.V. to the Monster Truck Smashdown, and Kenpachi had been so enthralled by the sight of the enormous machines ruthlessly crashing into each other that he wanted to see it in person. At first Ichigo had thought of trying to dissuade him from desiring to go there, but then thought better of it. _At least it will distract him from wanting to fight me_, he figured. Only problem was, with all that excitement he was undoubtedly going to experience, the chance that it would only heighten his desire to fight Ichigo was incredibly high. He just prayed that nothing out of the ordinary would happen.

And so, here they were, three guys and a pink-haired girl whom no one could see because she didn't want to wear a gigai, sitting in the audience of Monster Truck Smashdown, where Ichigo was feeling more and more the outsider with all the burly men and scary-looking females, him being skinny and not as muscular as his male companions. At least his hair color didn't stand out that much, as most of the audience had bleached hair that appeared to be all shades of the rainbow.

After three matches had commenced, with Katsu winning every round, the announcer stepped forward and addressed the audience.

"Today, we are offering _a once and a lifetime opportunity_!" the announcer boomed, drowning all the cheers from the stands. "We are offering you, the chance to take on the amazing, undefeatable, and powerful—_Katsu_!" At the mention of his name the burly man howled and raised his hands above his head, moving along with the cheers of the crowd.

Katsu appeared to be everything one would imagine of an all champion trucker; his large height accentuated by the bulging biceps on his arms that he was all too happy to flex, tattoos littered his body while four piercings in each ear completed the look. He wore a blue shirt with the sleeves ripped off and a gray skull with a crack down the middle as well as silver-gray pants. It appeared that everyone worshiped him, but none were too keen on fighting him. It grew quiet as people glanced around, wanting someone to go down but not at all willing to do so themselves.

"This will be fun, huh, Ichi?" Yachiru giggled, swinging her feet on the bench gleefully.

"Not if no one—" Suddenly Ichigo noticed Yachiru was no longer on Kenpachi's back.

"WHERE DID HE GO?"

"To fight," she answered simply. In utter horror, Chad and Ichigo glanced down to the center ring and saw Kenpachi walking up to the announcer.

"There are SO many things that could go wrong!" Ichigo wailed, having half a mind to stop the man with his shinigami powers. "What if his gigai gets injured and he comes out? What if he tries to use his sword! Will they even let him? That Katsu doesn't stand a chance!"

"Ken-chan wouldn't go against him if he didn't feel he was worthy enough," Yachiru scoffed, as if thinking Kenpachi's opponent was weak was an insult to her taichou. "Just watch."

Realizing there was nothing he could do, Ichigo sat down in defeat, folded his arms angrily, and watched as the announcer proudly showed Kenpachi to the truck he would use in the fight.

After a moments pause Chad turned to his friend. "Does he even know how to drive?" Stunned, Ichigo stared at the shinigami step into the vehicle and slapped his head.

_This is definitely not my day._

* * *

A few minutes later the crowd was roaring with anticipation, stomping their feet and screaming out various comments to either Kenpachi or Katsu. When the bell sounded, they were off. Katsu charged towards Kenpachi with his monster truck, which had what appeared to be bloody flames along the side and the front had a painted face with razor-sharp teeth on the fender with blood dripping down them, giving the illusion that the car would crush the opponent with its mouth, sending the blood of the driver everywhere.

Kenpachi's truck was relatively simpler and a lot less gory. It was a deep blue hue with black lettering all along the sides, as well as silver spikes that jutted out along the rims of the truck. He was doing relatively well for not having a clue what he was doing, just gathering speed as he drove straight for Katsu's truck.

At those speeds, the collision was so forceful that parts went flying everywhere and the audience had to shield their eyes from the dust cloud that followed. Once it was safe to look, they gasped in amazement at the condition of Kenpachi's truck.

It was completely battered; all four wheels ripped from the axles and lying in heaps all around the ring, the front bashed in and no sign of Kenpachi. Katsu's truck on the other hand was damaged as well, but the front was only dented it so that it was hard to interpret what the design was. Other than that his truck was in good shape, and his top half emerged from the opening in the roof as he held his hands up in victory to the cheers of the crowd. The helmet he wore was partially dented, and there was a small trail of blood running down his face, but other than that he appeared to be in good health.

Slightly worried for their friend, Ichigo and Chad frantically stared at the wreckage, hoping to see a glance of Kenpachi while Yachiru just hummed happily.

"Don't worry, Ken-chan will be fine! It will take more than that to hurt him," Yachiru scolded. "If anything, he's more excited than ever!"

True to her prediction, the crowd gasped in amazement as they noticed Kenpachi standing in front of Katsu's truck. One of his sleeves was torn off, the rest of the shirt in ragged threads, his whole body smeared with dirt and tiny trails of deep, red blood, but neither of it could dissuade the demonic smirk etched into his face; his eyes wild with uncontrollable mirth.

The pandemonium that had filled the stadium faded away into stunned silence as everyone wondered what the man would do next.

"Still alive, punk? You'd better get out of my way or I'll be forced to crush you!" Katsu jeered, with slight hesitation and fear evident in his voice.

"I am overjoyed," Kenpachi began slowly, with the inhabitants of the stadium hanging on his every word, "that this event poses a greater challenge than I thought. However—" _(he lifted his head to face Katsu)_ "It appears that the threat and true power comes from this truck, and not you! Prepare to die!"

With that said, Kenpachi drew a fist back and punched the tire closest to him, sending it flying into the opposite wall with such force that it was embedded in the concrete. With no time to spare, Kenpachi turned to the other front tire and did the same, causing it to land beside its double in the wall. The truck screeched as the front half swung down, completely unbalanced due to the absence of the front tires, and Kenpachi held up his left hand as if to catch it.

People were screaming, not able to comprehend the fact that a mere mortal could accomplish such a feat, and began to fear for their lives. When the dust caused by the disconnection of the tires grew thin, it revealed Kenpachi holding up the front of the truck with his bare hand. Katsu cried out in fright as his opponent gazed at him, killer intent emanating from his body. Kenpachi howled with pleasure as he brought his other hand up and grasped the fender, then rotated his stance so that while holding the fender he was facing the opposite direction. Everyone panicked upon realizing what he was planning to do and began to exit the stadium as fast as they could.

Katsu's pleas for Kenpachi to stop were unheard as the shinigami put all his strength into throwing the truck, which he succeeded in doing after a minute or so of struggling. Ichigo, Chad, and Yachiru watched in amazement as the massive truck flew through the air almost peacefully until it collided with the wall where many of the opposing trucks were being stored. There was a large eruption from the crash and a blast of air came spiraling towards the onlookers, followed by a large cloud of dust that soon enveloped the surrounding area.

The three onlookers choked on the dust and did their best to clear the air around them to see. Ichigo snatched the medal he had received in Soul Society and pressed it against his chest, separating his shinigami form from his human body, and blasted away all the dust with a burst of reiatsu. Glancing around frantically, they found Kenpachi and discovered he was still standing in the same spot.

Once he could see the wreckage he had caused, he threw back his head and howled in utter delight.

"You are truly a worthy opponent, truck!" he declared. "Don't disappoint me and be finished now! Fight and defend yourself!" Then he lunged forward, fully intent on continuing the fight. "I haven't had enough yet! It's only just begun!"

Knowing that the situation could get much, _much_ worse; Ichigo, Yachiru, and Chad jumped off the stands, with Ichigo brandishing Zangetsu, Chad powering up his Hollow-like right arm, and Yachiru just jumping through the air towards Kenpachi, intent on stopping him before he could get any further and fully decimate the whole building.

* * *

**There you have it! I hope that it was all to your satisfaction, and it was actually longer than I expected it to be. Oh well. This fic is sorta my first try at comic relief, and I hope I'm doing well. ****Katsu means victory, if anyone wanted to know.**

**Who should be next? I've gotten some great suggestions already but I need more!**


	3. Chap 3: Fashion, Pictures, Models, OH MY

**Hello everyone! And welcome to our third installment of our (cough) torture Ichigo series! This chapter's character is . . . . ****Yumichika! **

**If any of you are wondering, they did manage to save Katsu, and thankfully he was unconscious at the time so he did not notice Chad's arm. Getting Kenpachi to stop was not a pretty sight, but they did succeed, if barely. **

**Reviewers? Gotta luv ya: **CandleLight-Soul, darkangel1910, Xx Trinity xX, **and **Acara Whitefox

* * *

Ichigo winced as the warm water made contact with his bare skin. Stopping Kenpachi at the Monster Truck Smashdown yesterday was brutal. The shinigami was truly in a crazed frenzy, leading Ichigo to believe things must have been quiet far too long in Soul Society. Once they had finally detained him, Chad left abruptly, worn out and not wanting to be there any longer, so Ichigo was forced to usher Kenpachi out of there, almost forgetting his own body in the process.

Once they were far away from the building, Kenpachi sighed and slapped Ichigo on the back, throwing him a couple feet.

"_I'll admit, that was fun, and it kept me busy," he said. "I've got to go back to Soul Society, but I'll send someone from my division over to take my place."_

As Ichigo dried himself off with a towel, he wondered who Kenpachi would send. He hoped it would be Ikkaku, seeing as how the two had formed a rather strange friendship since the day they fought in Soul Society. With him around, nothing was dull. After dressing himself in plain jeans and a white T-shirt, Ichigo entered his room, where the replacement was glancing around, wincing at everything he saw.

"This room is not very beautiful," he said in disgust. "It's too plain, not much to look at." The shinigami turned to Ichigo and began inspecting his clothes.

"This just will not do!" he said, shaking his head back and forth. "If you're going to be around me today, you have to look _somewhat_ beautiful." He paused for a moment then threw open Ichigo's closet door and began searching through all his clothes.

"Not much to work with, but I think this will do," he sighed, throwing a bundle of clothes at him and then shoved him into the closet. "Put these on quickly!"

_Of all the people, it had to be __Yumichika?_ Ichigo silently groaned. This was not the type of day that he was looking forward to. Being constantly told he wasn't "pretty enough" by the narcissistic shinigami, as well as everything else they most likely came in contact with was not his idea of fun.

With a sigh Ichigo hastily threw on the clothes Yumichika had instructed him to do so, and emerged from the closet.

"Much better," Yumichika approved with a smile. Turning around, Ichigo examined himself in the mirror. He was wearing brown khaki pants with a light blue shirt over a white, long-sleeved undershirt. Ichigo had to admit it looked better than what he had on before.

"Now come on! Let's go!" Yumichika prodded, already at his bedroom door.

"Um, it might be better if we go out the window," Ichigo suggested. "My family doesn't know you're here and it might be best—"

"You can get dirty jumping out of a window onto the ground!" Yumichika scolded, apparently appalled by the idea. "I went through all that trouble to make you beautiful, and now you want to get all dirty?" He humphed and left the room, leaving a very annoyed Ichigo in his wake.

_Maybe you can lose him once you go outside_, he assured himself.

"Oh, your shirt is so beautiful!" Yumichika proclaimed in a sing-song voice. Ichigo frowned and sprinted down the stairs, only to discover the shinigami talking to Yuzu and pointing at her white shirt with silver stars that were outlined in red.

Yuzu blushed. "Thank you! I like your clothes as well!"

Yumichika giggled and brought his hands to his face gleefully. "Do you think so? Do they make me beautiful?!" he asked, spinning around like a ballerina. Ichigo found himself resisting the desire to puke then and there.

His "escort" for the day had donned on a pair of low rise navy jeans with a tight red collared shirt with orange sleeves that stopped at the elbow. Somewhat feminish, now that he thought about it.

Yuzu giggled. "Is she your new girlfriend, nii-san?"

The world seemed to go still as Ichigo and Yumichika stopped breathing for a few seconds and then they exploded.

"GIRLFRIEND?!"

"I'M A MAN, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

Ichigo's sister was very distressed at the sudden outburst. "Sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry-sorry!" she whimpered, covering her ears.

"Mistaking me for a woman!" Yumichika was clearly distressed. "How could that possibly happen?"

"Maybe because of your feathers, clothes, and attitude," Ichigo muttered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tears welled up in Yumichika's eyes and he started mumbled to himself.

Yuzu appeared puzzled for a moment then her eyes widened into one of horror. "Ichigo, does this mean you're—"

"**NO!**" The youth shuddered at the thought. "He—he's new here, and I thought I'd show him around. Let's go!" With that Ichigo threw open the door and dragged the shinigami along with him.

"I'm willing to overlook that if you take me somewhere fun," Yumichika protested, sticking his nose up in the air. Ichigo debated where he should take him, when suddenly his companion shrieked happily.

"How about the mall? I've read it's a very beautiful place, full of shops with the most adorable clothes!" Ichigo felt the need to bang his head against a wall. _The mall?_ He avoided going there as much as was humanely possible.

_Probably the only place he would be happy__ though_. As they rode the bus to the local mall, Ichigo's headache grew by the minute as he listened to the shinigami's ramblings on and on about how it was _so_ hard to find a decent place to get clothes in Soul Society, how the haoris weren't all that beautiful anyway, blah-blah-blah.

_How much of a hand is Toushirou playing in this?_ the poor boy wondered. _How long will this revenge last?!_

When they finally arrived at the mall, people were staring at them strangely, raising their eyebrows at Yumichika's appearance and behavior, confused about his sexuality, and wondering if they should be afraid of being so close to him.

* * *

"How about this one?" Ichigo groaned.

"For the last time—GREAT!"

"But I don't know if it's better than the white shirt with green stripes, or the blue shirt with black stripes," his companion frowned, holding the two shirts up and inspecting each in turn.

Ichigo slapped his own face. They had already been in the mall FOUR hours, and one hour was simply spent at this store, in this dressing room, where Yumichika was having the hardest time deciding what to purchase.

"Can you _please_ make up your mind so we can go get some lunch," Ichigo pleaded. His companion had already bought so many clothes, now it was just a manner of deciding between these two.

"All right, all right," Yumichika huffed. "Don't have to be so snippy. It's not a beautiful behavior, you know. Frowning as much as you do _can't_ be good for your skin." He paused for a moment, not noticing Ichigo's furious attempts to restrain himself from strangling him.

"I think I'll get the red with yellow stripes," he finally decided.

"That was the FIRST ONE you tried on! An _hour_ ago!" the distraught teenager cried.

"I had to see if the other ones looked better," Yumichika stated, as if it was the most obvious fact in the world. "Do you know how to shop for clothes or not?" (he paused for a second) "Actually—you don't. We should go shopping for clothes for you next! I'm sure I could find some beautiful outfits for you, much better than those rags you've got at home—"

"My clothes are—just—fine," Ichigo growled through clenched teeth. "Just pay for the shirt and let's get something to eat."

Yumichika rolled his eyes but nonetheless did as Ichigo instructed, leaving behind an almost destroyed dressing room in his wake with clothes strewn about everywhere.

"Finally," Ichigo sighed as they made their way over to the food court. "I've been starving—"

"You there!" a strange voice called out. The two boys spun around to discover the source of the sound.

The owner was a small, skinny man with an outlandish goatee and measuring tape laid across his shoulders as if it were a fashion statement. There was a camera around his neck and thin sunglasses around his eyes.

"Yes?" Ichigo asked, eager to get his desperately awaited food. The man didn't appear to have heard him. Instead he circled around the pair like a hawk, inspecting them as if they were a piece of artwork he needed to complete. Finally, he clapped his hands together.

"You are perfect!" he proclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"What?"

"With those feathers, that hair, and those expressions—I _need_ you to model my new designer line!" Yumichika's eyes lit up in stars, looking as if he could die from happiness while Ichigo's stomach rumbled.

"Barely a day in your human world and already you want me to model for you! I must be really beautiful!" Yumichika cried out in delight.

"I don't think—" Ichigo began.

"Please! I insist!" the man cried He grabbed ahold of their wrists and dragged them into his store, meaning Ichigo no longer had any say in the matter.

The man finally let go of them in front of some dressing rooms in the back, then threw them behind the curtains along with an outfit. "There are more where these came from, and my name is Yukio, pleased to meet you. Now, hurry and put these on! We have so much work to do!"

And so, Ichigo found himself unwillingly wearing apparel after apparel of whatever Yukio tossed at him, posing in more ways than he thought imaginable, having to glare with every pose (which actually wasn't that hard to do; Yukio wanted him to glare because he said he needed that look for his line of clothes) while Yumichika soaked it all up and grinned madly in every shot. Yukio had explained that he wanted the stark contrast between their expressions and looked as if he was going to burst into tears of joy every time he took a picture.

"So magnificent, so beautiful!" he proclaimed as he rushed around and around the two boys, blinding them with flashes, making it difficult for Ichigo to concentrate, and not helping his headache at all.

When they were finally done, Yukio printed off their best picture, "as a symbol of his eternal gratitude" and shooed them out of the store so he could modify the photos and then send them to his publisher.

By then it was dinnertime and Ichigo practically dragged Yumichika to the nearest fast food outlet and ordered the largest helping of food he ever had in his life, ignoring the warnings from Yumichika that food like that would make him fat and not beautiful at all. Ichigo was able to effectively shut him up when he threatened to dump his food all over his new purchases.

When the waitress came to collect their purchase, she said sweetly, "So how long have you two been together?"

For the first time the entire day, Yumichika and Ichigo found themselves in perfect agreement. Both of them glanced each other in the eye and nodded, unable to hold their anger in any longer. That girl was going to pay.

* * *

**How did you like it? I had the hardest time figuring out who to do for this chapter, because it was either between Byakuya and Yumichika, then I figured that someone from Kenpachi's division should be next. **

**I'm thinking that Byakuya will be next, unless anyone has any other suggestions and I can come up with a better idea!**


	4. Chapter 4: Don't Pop my Bubble!

**Surprise! I've finally been able to come up with an idea about our next victim—er, guest! (I think Ichigo is more of the victim) Like I promised, this one is about Byakuya, and part of the reason for such a slow update has been that I've struggled the most with him, since he's pretty much a mellow guy and there's not that much to poke fun at. **

**Anyway, my source of inspiration came when I was chewing gum. If any of you have seen those new "Extra" gum containers, then you'll know that there is some weird suggestion or whatever on it. On the one I just bought a few days ago, it said, "Try explaining the taste of bubble gum to someone who has never tasted it." I sat there, wondering what poor soul had never been exposed to the wonders of bubble gum, and then that thought progressed to what would happen to a person who was experiencing it for the first time, then my mind drifted over to what would happen to Byakuya, and seeing as how I originally wanted to do his chapter with something along the lines of hair—you know where this is headed, right? **

**Enjoy!**

**Oh yeah, reviewers! Thanks a bunch: **gaara itachi1, CandleLight-Soul, Rawiyah-Taliesin, xXHistsuxSakuXx, **and** A Bibliophile (3)**! **

* * *

Ichigo lay idly on his bed, wondering who else would be sent to his house as the temporary shinigami representative. He and Yumichika both had enough yesterday at the mall when that girl thought they were going out, and after glancing at each other, they proceeded to scream at her furiously, and Ichigo actually had to hold Yumichika back. The shinigami was prepared to throw the remainder of their food at her, and while Ichigo whole-heartedly agreed, he didn't want to deal with the repercussions.

Due to the experiences of the last few days, Ichigo decided that Hitsugaya was torturing him on purpose, probably to prove the point that him being down there was the best option, and that if Ichigo infuriated him then the little taichou would make his life unbearable.

_If this goes on for much longer I'm gonna have to beg Toushiro to stop, not matter how humiliating it is, because I don't know how much more of this I can handle._

The teenager sighed and reached into his pocket for a stick of bubble gum and popped it into his mouth. Once he had chewed it long enough he tried to entertain himself by making the largest bubble he possibly could.

"Ichigo!" Kon wailed, bursting out from under his bed.

"What is it?" he growled, blowing another bubble. Kon watched in fascination as the bubble grew in size until it was almost as big as his head, and then popped.

"Teach me! Teach me!" the plush toy asked energetically, stars in his eyes.

"No way!" Ichigo protested. "It would seal your mouth shu—" He paused and appeared to think it over.

"Actually, here you go," he said kindly, a mischievous smirk on his face as he handed the Mod Soul a piece. Kon appeared to not have noticed and eagerly snatched it from Ichigo's hand before tossing it into his mouth. He chewed in exhilaration for a few seconds, but then froze. The toy waved his arms in the air furiously as he tried to open his mouth. Ichigo cracked up at the sight while Kon's muffled attempts at speech made no sense.

"Gum is sticky! It's something a baka toy can't handle!" Apparently, Kon didn't find his current predicament as funny as Ichigo did, and after a few more futile efforts to free himself, began attacking Ichigo.

"Fine! I'll help you out," Ichigo muttered, holding the plush toy away from his face, disappointed that his fun ended so quickly.

The substitute shinigami thrust his fingers into Kon's mouth and yanked out the majority of the wad of gum out, then searched for some tweezers in one of his drawers before picking out the stray pieces that were left. If he had thought ahead to what the mess would be like afterwards, Ichigo probably wouldn't have played the joke in the first place, because it was more trouble than he felt it was worth.

Suddenly the familiar sliding doors appeared in his room and Kon watched in awe as Ichigo grumbled and tried to guess who it was. To his surprise, out walked . . . Byakuya.

"Hello, Kurosaki," the taichou greeted civilly.

All Ichigo can do is stare. And stare. And . . . stare.

"Wha—what are _you_ doing here, Byakuya?!"

The shinigami's eyebrow twitches slightly. "How many times are you going to refer to me by my first name? I had a free day and was asked by Kenpachi to fill in for a little while." He paused and glanced around Ichigo's room. "And I haven't been down to the human world for a while, so I consented."

Ichigo started panicking, but after a moment's of reflection realized that _nothing_ could go wrong with Byakuya! He wasn't going to try and kill Ichigo on sight—although he had a strange feeling he would if he could—or want to kill everything, he didn't have a narcissistic attitude or would bring Ichigo all around town for useless things, or anything else.

_This might actually be a nice day!_

"Pull up a chair," Ichigo suggested. He rolled his sliding chair towards the Gotei taichou who calmly accepted it. There was absolute silence as the two stared at each other, not really knowing what to do or say. Surprisingly, it was Kon who broke the silence.

"So you're a taichou, Byakuya?" he asked, walking to the edge of the bed and peering at the shinigami suspiciously.

He nodded. "Although I would prefer you to refer to me as Kuchiki-taichou."

Byakuya's eyes widened in surprise as Kon jumped into his lap and glanced up at him happily.

"Are you related to nee-chan?" he asked with hearts in his eyes.

Utterly alarmed, Byakuya looked to Ichigo for help, who was doing his best to control his laughter.

"Y-yes, Kon. This is her 'brother'," Ichigo smirked.

Kon appeared even more impressed. "Can you tell me when nee-chan will be back? I miss her so much, and I've had to be stuck here with Ichigo for far too long! I need to see her beauty!" he wailed while hugging the noble Kuchiki around the neck.

Byakuya apparently had enough of the toy, so he grasped its torso and flung it against the opposite wall, as far away from him as possible while still remaining calm. Realizing that this was not a person to mess with, Kon picked himself off the floor and hid in the closet, sobbing quietly to himself about when he could see Rukia again.

With the hyperactive distraction out of the way, Ichigo and Byakuya resumed their tense silence, with Ichigo having no idea what to do while Byakuya sat there, showing no emotion at all.

Unable to come up with any small talk, Ichigo continued to blow bubbles with his gum. Byakuya inspected the process intently for a few minutes and then asked, "What is that?"

"Huh? Oh, this?" Ichigo blew a quick bubble for a demonstration. "It's just bubble gum."

"How do you acheive that?" he inquired curiously.

"Blowing the bubbles?" This was beginning to be a strange conversation. Of all the things they had to talk about—_bubble gum?_

"Well," Ichigo began, scratching his head. "You pretty much just chew on it until it gets soft enough, then position it in between your teeth, and then blow, I guess. It's one of those things you have to learn yourself. Here, have one," he said as he tossed one to Byakuya. The shinigami carefully unwrapped it, handling it with as much care as an archaeologist would with a million-year-old bone, then delicately put it in his mouth. His eyebrows slightly lifted in response to the strange texture and taste, but other than that his expression did not change.

After a few seconds of chewing, Byakuya blew a small bubble that easily popped.

"Heh, you're gonna have to do better than that," Ichigo smirked, showing off with the largest bubble he had blown that morning.

Byakuya watched the process with rapt fascination, then after a moment's reflection, blew a bubble only slightly smaller than Ichigo's and once it popped he glanced at the boy with a small snide expression.

"Beginner's luck," Ichigo scoffed.

"Kurosaki," Byakuya sighed, "I can surpass you in anything."

"You wanna take that bet?" the teenager challenged. "Whoever makes the largest bubble wins!" He turned to the closet. "Kon! KON!"

"What?" his muffled voice came from the closed door, furious at being interrupted in his pity session.

"We need you to be the judge of our bubble gum contest!"

"YOSH!" the plush toy declared energetically, bursting out of the closet with a nice black suit and a tiny, portable microphone. "It is up to me, the WONDERFUL KON, to judge today's competition of _Bubble Gum Blowing!_"

"Where did he get the suit?" Byakuya whispered, leaning towards Ichigo.

The substitute shinigami simply shrugged. "Absolutely no idea," he whispered back, "but I think it's best if we don't know."

"Get ready!" Kon announced, getting more drawn into his role than he should, "On your mark . . . get set . . . CHEW!!"

On the command Ichigo began chewing furiously to get his gum nice and soft, just pliable enough to expand to make the perfect size, counting on his years of experience to aid him, while Byakuya sat there calmly, no change in his tactics.

"BLOOOWWW!" Kon commanded, after giving them enough time to prepare.

The two shinigami then began to blow their bubbles, willing them to get larger than their opponent, and once they both got as large as Ichigo's head, Ichigo's popped and covered his face. Flustered, the boy angrily plucked it off so he could see. To his amazement, Byakuya was still going, the bubble now twice the size of his head, and Ichigo began to get worried.

"Oi! Byakuya! You can stop now. You won!"

He was not heeded, however, as the bubble continued to grow. Once it was the size of a large beachball did it finally break, sounding like a small firecracker. Ichigo and Kon shielded their eyes, with Kon seeking shelter behind Ichigo's back, and when they felt it was safe to look, they erupted in hysterical laughter.

Byakuya's entire face was smothered in bright pink, sticky gum, some of it touching his hair. For a moment it was as if they were looking at the back of Yachuri's head.

"KUROSAKI!" Byakuya's muffled voice yelled. "GET THIS OFF OF ME!"

"Ju-just use yo-your hands!" Ichigo chuckled, clutching his stomach. "I—it should come off!"

Immediately the shinigami taichou began fiercely yanking the sticky substance off his face, but it was all so thin and sticky that he was only able to get the main part of it on his face off and now it was on his hands.

"Kurosaki, if this gets into my hair you will die," he said darkly. The effect was lost on the intended target because he looked so comical with strings of gum hanging off his face and some of it sticking to his smooth, black hair and white kenseikan that styled his hair.

"KUROSAKI!" Byakuya bellowed, not seeing how any of this was funny at all. The pure anger in his voice was enough to stop Ichigo from laughing, but it wasn't enough to wipe the grin off his face.

"U-um, let's go to the bathroom and—clean you up," Ichigo suggested, doing his best to contain his laughter. Byakuya nodded strictly, trying to regain his dignity.

Ichigo peered outside his door nervously, making sure his sisters or father wouldn't come bursting through any moment, then ran to the bathroom and motioned Byakuya to follow him. Once they made it inside, Byakuya glanced at his appearance in the mirror and appeared mortified.

"It's in my hair, Kurosaki," he hissed. "You had better find a way to get it out or I will _personally_ use Senbonzakura against you to shred you into so many pieces that you will be mere dust in the wind!" Ichigo gulped, not doubting the threat at all.

"I've heard that you need to use peanut butter for hair, I-I'll go get some!" With that he sprinted out of the bathroom and flew downstairs, threw open the cabinets, and snatched the container of peanut butter. When he tried to run back up the stairs, Karin stood there with her arms folded.

"And _where_ are you going with that?" she asked skeptically, not knowing if she should be suspicious or not.

"To my room," Ichigo replied in annoyance. "I was hungry and decided to have some."

"Just straight peanut butter?" She obviously wasn't buying it.

"Yes, and it's very healthy for you," he scoffed, not having time to deal with his sister at the moment.

"Says who?" Ichigo groaned and pushed his sister aside, eager to get the peanut butter to Byakuya as fast as possible so as not to incur his wrath.

"Brothers," Karin scoffed as she continued her way downstairs for a snack.

Ichigo and Byakuya then spent the next ten minutes meticulously pulling out the gum with their fingertips dipped in peanut butter. The former felt incredibly awkward the whole time while the latter's only concern was salvaging his hair.

Once they were finished Byakuya sighed in relief and inspected his appearance in the mirror. He would have to take a bath as soon as possible, that was certain; he couldn't be walking around with peanut butter all in his hair! Appearances were everything for nobility, because it was their duty to serve as an example for all, and proper hygiene was at the top of the list.

He coughed noncomittally. "Shall we return to your room, then?" Ichigo sighed and led the way, making sure Karin wasn't sneaking around anywhere.

* * *

**I hope it was worth the wait, even though it's been a while. Byakuya was really hard. Sorry it's one of my shorter ones though. **

**Who should be next? **


	5. Chapter 5: Operation Degradation

**Sorry for the wait—but here is the latest installment of my Ichigo torture sessions! ****Behold—****Kurotsuchi ****Mayuri! A big thank you to **Moonfayth** for giving me the idea to use him and then **Nightsmoke** for what to do with him!**

**Almost forgot the reviewers! Thank you **darkangel1910, FantasticallySnarkastic, CandleLight-Soul, Rawiyah-Taliesin, Catastrophic Monsoon, Lupanari (2), AngelicxDemonic, Moonfayth, Rai-Kata Reese, Nightsmoke,** and** papercliped-angel.

* * *

Ichigo slammed his hand down on the alarm clock, not wanting to wake up at all. After the fiasco with Byakuya and the bubble gum—he didn't know if he could take any more of the substitutes Hitsugaya sent down to "assist" him. Once Byakuya left that afternoon, Ichigo's family noticed how jumpy he was and pummeled him with questions about what could have caused the change in his behavior. Then his father energetically came to the decision that all his son needed was a day to himself so he vowed to take his younger daughters out for a full day of bonding time while Ichigo was alone at home.

"You know—you should act like this more often," Karin teased outside his door before bed the previous night. She and Yuzu were going to spend the whole day at the circus while Ichigo would have to deal with whatever messed up shinigami was sent to earth.

"Shut up!" he said angrily as he tossed his pillow at her, only to collide with the door that she shut with a chuckle.

Now that it was morning all he wanted to do was sleep and pray that Hitsugaya would forget.

Who was he kidding?

* * *

As Ichigo drifted between dreams and consciousness, he had the strangest feeling that someone was watching him. When he couldn't take it any longer he sat up, fully expecting to reprimand Kon for lack of tact, when he stopped dead.

"W-what . . . what are you—"

"I was hoping you would stay asleep a little longer," Mayuri sighed. "I wasn't finished monitoring the activity of your temporal lobe while you slept." The 12th division taichou was sitting across from him in his chair with a peculiar machine beside him. Ichigo frowned when he noticed there were wires connected to the machine and that they led to him.

His eyes widened when he saw that there were probes delicately placed around his head and one or two on his chest. "Get these off of me!" he shrieked, yanking them off and feeling slightly sickened by the suction sound it made.

"It's not like they were going to hurt you," Mayuri tsked, turning to his machine. "While it may not have been complete I did receive an ample amount of data." He glanced at Ichigo who was starting to panic and who had his back to the wall of his bed. "Would you mind going back to sleep so I may continue?"

"Would you shut up and get out of my house?" Mayuri rolled his eyes and began to fiddle with the machine.

"Why are you here anyway? Did Toushiro send you?" Ichigo knew that the purpose behind sending these people was revenge, but _Kurotsuchi Mayuri?_ That was a little extreme.

"No—that minuscule spec of reiatsu intended to send that oaf of a lieutenant, Omaeda, but I was able to—_persuade_ him otherwise with some sweets laced with sleep inducers," the taichou pronounced proudly. Ichigo could tell that Hitsugaya probably hated the scientist as much as he did, and felt slightly better that him coming here wasn't intended.

"But why?" he asked, fearful of the answer.

"So that I may study you!" he said happily. "And if you don't mind—could you call over your other friends? I never had the chance to study the Quincy, and the powers of your other friends are so peculiar in the sense that they manifested in mere humans due simply to being exposed to your overflowing reiatsu—"

Listening to Mayuri talk about him and his friends like objects to be dissected and evaluated made Ichigo sick to his stomach.

He grit his teeth. "No way in he—"

"Then I guess I'll have to make due with you," the taichou resigned himself. "Now, I would like to observe the physical and mental changes that occur when you separate from your human body into shinigami form, and vice versa." He began pulling out various tools and instruments from a medium sized bag that didn't look like it could possibly hold all that he took out of it. For a brief moment Ichigo related it to the bag of some babysitter in a Western movie he had seen a long time ago, yet the owner of this bag wasn't going to take him on an adventure inside a chalk painting or fly around with an umbrella, judging by the obscure and terrifying tools the taichou was pulling out of the bag.

"You're not going to study me!" Ichigo yelled forcefully, determined to do whatever it took to stay out of this man's mad scientist clutches. He didn't know what was worse—this, or Kenpachi desiring his blood every time they met. Maybe he could distract him like he did with Kenpachi.

But how could he do that?

* * *

"—and that is how you play Twister," Ichigo sighed. He would never be able to believe it, but he had succeeded in distracting Mayuri from dissecting him and his friends by offering to describe the way different things worked in the human world. Right now they were going over all the games in his family's closet.

"What is this one?" Kurotsuchi asked as he pulled out a long, thin board.

"It's called _Operation_—" Ichigo began.

"Yes, yes—I can tell what it's called but what is its purpose exactly?"

"The object of the game is to pull out all of the objects inside the guy without hitting the sensors and causing his nose to glow red," Ichigo explained.

Kurotsuchi Mayuri glanced at the game for a few more seconds before grinning. "I would like to inspect this game further," he announced, walking towards their living room.

As they sat down to play Ichigo was seriously wondering if the world was turned upside down because here he was, sitting in his living room and playing a game usually meant for six-year-olds with a man who was the equivalent of an evil scientist, who was obviously enjoying it.

"This game is quite fascinating," Mayuri remarked after he successfully extracted the bread basket from the stomach, earning 1,000 points. "It gives human children an early appreciation for learning all about the human body. I wonder if there have been any incidences involving this . . . "

"It's just a game!" Ichigo said angrily. He swore as the nose buzzed while he was trying to extract the wish bone from the chest. He was never good at this game.

"No it's not!" Mayuri exclaimed, seemingly affronted. "While it is simple in its design, the idea behind it is quite remarkable. Let me demonstrate. Nemu!" he yelled, turning his head to the left.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," the girl said as she bowed, appearing to come out of nowhere. The substitute shinigami almost fell out of his chair in surprise.

"W-were—were you here the whole time?!"

The stoic girl turned to him and nodded.

"Now, Nemu," Mayuri began, drawing her attention back to himself, "I would like to show Kurosaki the thrill of being a scientist. Undress and lie on the table."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," she said as she reached up to untie the band around her haori.

"Wa-wa-wa-WAIT A MINUTE!" Ichigo screamed, forcing the two shinigami to turn and look at him with Nemu's hands frozen in place where they were.

"What's wrong?" Mayuri asked, cocking his head slightly to the side.

"_What's wrong?!_" Ichigo exclaimed, a furious blush on his cheeks. "What's wrong? Why are you telling her to undress?"

"Because I want to show you the wonders behind a real dissection!" the 12th division taichou proclaimed, gesturing towards Nemu and the game.

"What if I don't _want _to?" the teen protested.

Mayuri lifted an eyebrow as he scrutinized Ichigo for a moment, then sighed. "Are you really that unfamiliar with the female body, Kurosaki? I assure you that there aren't too many differences from our own."

"IT'S NOT THAT!" he yelled, his blush turning a deeper shade of red. "I just don't want my family to come home to see a naked woman on the table!!"

"But your family wouldn't be able to see us regardless," Mayuri pointed out.

"Just don't do it!"

Mayuri sighed and turned to Nemu. "I guess this means our time here is done if Kurosaki is unwilling to appreciate what I do. Prepare the portal, Nemu."

"Yes, Mayuri-sama," she said as she retied the sash around her waist.

"I regret that my time on earth has been cut short, but I am eager to look over the readings I procured from your sleeping," Mayuri said. Ichigo was all too happy to see him and his fuku-taichou go. Once they had disappeared and he began putting away the game, he made a mental note to send back the next replacement with an earnest plea for Hitsugaya to stop sending substitutes over—hang his pride.

* * *

**Sorry for it taking so long to update! It was really hard to write Mayuri. I hope you all enjoyed it! I got the idea for Nemu making Ichigo feel uncomfortable after watching the most recent anime episode. **


	6. Chapter 6: A Sweet Disaster

**I'd like to thank: **luckystars135, papercliped-angel, Lupanari, girlwhodwellsinherownworld, darkangel1910, larkinlover, Moonfayth, Suna13, RedBloodedCamelia, Catastrophic Monsoon, babygaaralover, Mrfipp, **and** yarra **for their reviews and/or suggestions**. **I'm so pleased that people are enjoying this and I hope you like this one, too!**

* * *

"_Not so tough now, eh—shinigami?!" Ichigo just stared in horror at the burning building, unable to move as the screams of those inside washed over him. _

"_You were unable to protect any of them!" _

Ichigo shot up in his bed in a cold sweat; his shirt sticking to him like wet, sticky glue as he gasped for air. "It was just a dream . . . just a dream," he assured himself. All the craziness going on with Hitsugaya's "substitutes" was starting to get to him. He just had a dream of _Grimmjow_ being sent down! Ichigo had just been so stunned that all he could do was watch as the Arrancar laid waste to the entire town.

It was then that Ichigo decided that he was fully prepared to beg for the tenth division captain to come back. The teen was prepared to do whatever was necessary for that to happen. Just so long as the next substitute didn't kill him first.

The next morning Ichigo calmly ate breakfast with his family and didn't even bother to react to his father's childish antics. He was just too nervous. Once he was finished, he rushed upstairs into his room and sat down, bracing himself for whatever happened next.

"Hello, Ichigo!" Well, that was surprising. Matsumoto came bounding through the sliding doors in a pink, frilly shirt with blue capris.

"What are you doing here? Is Hitsugaya-taichou going to come back?"

"Possibly," Matsumoto smirked. "He sent me to make sure you learned your lesson."

"Oh please—_please _tell him to come back!" Ichigo pleaded, grasping her shoulders. "You have no idea what I've been through!"

"Oh?" the female shinigami quirked a playful eyebrow. "Tell me."

"Kenpachi endangered the lives of an entire stadium full of people, Yumichika dragged me through a mall and got me into a photo shoot, Byakuya nearly _killed_ me, and I was almost dissected by Mayuri!" Matsumoto bit her lip uncomfortably at the mention of the scientist.

"My taichou wishes to apologize for that," she said. "By the time we discovered he had been sent instead, he already came back. I hope he didn't cause too much trouble."

"That's all right—now what can I do to get him back?" Ichigo stared at her hopefully. "I'll do anything!"

"_Anything?_" Ichigo really didn't like the playful glint in Matsumoto's eyes, yet this was a desperate situation.

"Anything."

* * *

"I agreed to this, why?" Ichigo mumbled to himself. At the present moment he was standing in his kitchen along with Matsumoto and Ishida. The female shinigami had suggested that Ichigo make some treats to present to Hitsugaya as an apology. She had wanted to bring Inoue over, but Ichigo quickly lied and said that she was too busy. As close of a friend as she was, Ichigo didn't want her messing up his chances for getting the tenth squad captain back. Letting those two woman be in a kitchen at the same time always seemed like the end of the world.

So instead he had suggested Ishida and quickly went to call him. Surprisingly, the bespectacled boy came right on over complete with a hand sewn apron and cookbook, eager to begin. Man, was he weird.

"Kurosaki! Get the eggs and sugar!"

"Yeah, yeah whatever," the teen grumbled. If he knew Ishida was going to boss him around in his own kitchen then he never would have invited him over. Ichigo reached into the pantry, took out the white container with the sugar, and then pulled out the egg carton from the fridge before placing them down on the counter. Matsumoto eyes the sugar and gleefully grabbed it.

"Matsumoto, you can measure out the sugar that we need, Kurosaki we need three eggs, and I'll add in the rest." At Matsumoto's suggestion they were going to make a watermelon-flavored cake for the captain. Ichigo was hoping for something less difficult, but with Ishida taking over most of the duties it really didn't matter to him.

Matsumoto quickly measured out the appropriate amount of sugar and then sampled a bit, giggling happily. Ichigo rolled his eyes and looked over at Ishida. He was carefully measuring out all the other ingredients with the precision of a professional, not giving any thought to his surroundings. Wishing he had something better to do, Ichigo opened the egg carton and snatched three eggs.

Two of them already had a small hole in them, but Ichigo thought nothing of it and cracked all three of them together, careful not to leave any egg shells in the gooey mix. After what seemed like hours later, the watermelon-flavored cake lay in the kitchen counter and all that remained was for Hitsugaya to try it.

"Surprise, taichou!" Matsumoto yelled as the silver-haired boy walked through the lattice doors. He raised an eyebrow at the display in front of him and turned to Ichigo.

"I uh . . . guess I'm sorry about the jokes I played on you earlier and I want you to take this cake as an apology," Ichigo mumbled. He could have sworn there was a small smirk on Hitsugaya's face.

"I suppose you are forgiven, though I don't know why you had to make a cake." He glared at Matsumoto. "How many times do I have to tell you that I don't like these kinds of things?"

"Oh don't be silly, taichou! Ukitake-taichou says you always appreciate the treats he gives you!"

"I'm going to kill him," Hitsugaya muttered darkly.

"Would you hurry up and eat it already?" Ichigo said, folding his arms angrily. "We spent a lot of time on it."

"I'm sure you'll find it to your satisfaction," Ishida said. Hitsugaya looked back and forth between the three "chefs" and the cake, before finally giving in with an irritated sigh. "Fine, I'll eat it." Everyone waited with anticipation as Toshiro dug a fork into the cake and sampled it.

"It's okay." Ichigo let out a sigh of relief while Matsumoto cheered and Ishida smiled smugly.

"I knew you would enjoy it! An old family recipe that my grandfather taught me!"

Ichigo smirked. "Your grandfather is the one who taught you how to cook?"

"Men can cook too, Kurosaki!" Ishida argued. "Believe it or not but there is more to life than just swinging a huge sword around—"

"Shhh!" The two teens turned to Matsumoto, startled by her angry tone. Their attention was quickly diverted to Hitsugaya, and it became immediately apparent that he wasn't feeling very well. His breaths came in heavy gasps and his face was plastered in sweat. His skin had turned a sickly, pale color and he clenched his stomach.

"Are you all right, taichou?" Matsumoto asked in concern.

"M'fine," Hitsugaya mumbled before grunting in pain.

"Hah!" Ichigo pointed a finger at Ishida. "Looks like your family recipe isn't that good after all!" Ishida slapped Ichigo's hand away.

"There's absolutely nothing wrong with my recipe!" he hissed back. "I've made it a hundred times before and no one has ever gotten sick! It must have been something _you_ did!"

"Me? All I did was add the eggs!" Ishida frowned and glanced back at the half-eaten cake, to Hitsugaya, and then to Ichigo.

"Was there anything wrong with the eggs, Kurosaki?"

"What? No! They looked like normal eggs."

"No discoloring? Were they broken already?"

Ichigo fidgeted a little. "Well . . . two of them had a little crack in them, but what's the deal?"

"You idiot!" Ishida yelled. "That means that they could have been poisoned!"

"Poisoned?" The orange-haired boy felt Ishida was being a little unfair. "How could they have been poisoned? No one would try to poison my family through cracked eggs!"

Ishida looked like he wanted to bang his head against something. "You don't get it, Kurosaki. When an egg is cracked there's the chance that bacteria can grow inside it! Those eggs were probably infected and now Hitsugaya's could have gotten salmonella poisoning!"

Ichigo blinked. "And that's bad, right?"

This time Ishida did bang his head against something. "Of course it is! Your father is a doctor, isn't he? Shouldn't you know these things?!"

"Hey, just because _he's_ a doctor doesn't mean that—" Ichigo was cut off by something colliding with the back of his head. He turned around to discover that Matsumoto had thrown a fork at him. Ichigo bit back his angry retort when he noticed how frightened and concerned Matsumoto was for her superior. The young captain really looked sick and the fact that he looked as old as Ichigo's sisters didn't help.

"We need to get him to Unohana-taichou!" Matsumoto nodded at Ichigo's suggestion before quickly opening the gate, carrying Hitsugaya in her arms. It was a mark of how sick he felt that he didn't have the strength to protest his current treatment.

"I'll let you know how he's doing," Matsumoto said before disappearing. The kitchen was silent for a few moments.

"Oi, Ishida . . . how long does it take for someone with salmonella to get better?"

"About five to seven days."

Ichigo hated his life.

_

* * *

_

**You didn't think this was over, did you? I've still got a few ideas in mind. :) **


End file.
